Office Shenanigans
by Roxai-Concord411
Summary: We all know that things at the office can get a little weird, but pranks involving gelatin and duels to the death are a bit much, yes?


December 24th

Dwight Schrute, Secret Agent Man, walked into Dunder-Mifflin to find that his desk was completely covered in Christmas gift wrap.

"JIM!"

"Yeeeeeeeeees?" said the accused co-worker, looking up at Dwight from his desk while eating grape gelatin from a cup.

Dwight sneered at him. "Very funny, Jim," said he, his voice dripping with contempt, "But I have already fallen for this trick once. I shall not do so a second time." He then curtly turned toward the desk, simultaneously assuming a Karate stance. "HIYYAAAAH!" The spectacle was thwarted by the piece of office furniture Dwight had wanted to attack, but the strike literally bounced back at him. "What… the hell?" He attempted to do the same to the desk, with the same result. "What sorcery is this?"

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Jim

"Oh, so Dwight's dabbling in the dark arts now? Geez…hope he doesn't pretend he's Gandalf the Wizard. (Spreads out arms)You shall not pass." (Smirks, laughs)

* * *

Dwight immediately started tearing off the wrapping paper, and what did he find? Someone had taken the liberty of covering his desk, chair, and belongings with a thin but fine coating of grape gelatin.

"DAMMIT, JIM!"

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Jim

(Smirks) "Hook, line, and Schrute." (laughs)

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Andy

(Laughs, clapping) Hahaha, Tuna strikes again!

* * *

Pam had her hands covering his face in order to keep from laughing... and failing miserably.

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Pam

"How in the hell does Jim keep coming up with these? (looks off camera, longingly) "I hope Cecila doesn't inherit his pranking skills… (Looks worried) She'll be a terror at age 10 and up." (Gets up from her chair) "Jim!"

* * *

April 1

Ryan glanced at the window, then did a double take. "What…?"

"What's wrong?" Kelly asked as she paused from shuffling papers.

"Oh, good God…" was all he could say.

Kelly looked out of the same window. "Is that-"

"Yep."

"That's Michael…" "Uh-huh." "Riding a motorized unicycle into the parking lot…" "Yes."

"Wearing a sombrero?"

"Bingo."

"And a black bed sheet?"

"Yep."

* * *

Michael waltzed into the office wearing the aforementioned sombrero. "Hello, everyone. Before you ask-"

"What's with the sombrero?" Kevin asked.

"That looks very gay on you, Michael… and I should know!" Oscar stated, earning him a knuckle-bump with Kevin, and a shake of her head from Angela.

"First off, there were no witch's hats in the costume store, so I had to substitute. As for the unicycle-"

"Why a witch's costume?" Pam asked.

"Don't you know witches and their magic are an affront of God?" Angela stated in an offended tone, earning a groan of dissapproval from the other co-workers.

"As for the unicycle, a couple of Good Samaritans, whose names I do not know, decided to give me a hand and take my car in for repairs for me."

"By 'strangers,'" Jim began, "You mean 'thugs,' and by 'take in for repairs,' you mean 'stole it,' right, Michael?"

Michael shook his head. "No, I meant that it was taken in for repairs, it was not-not stolen, DEFINITELY not stolen."

"Stolen," Stanley snorted.

"No…no, it was NOT stolen-" Michael insisted.

"I think it was stolen," Phyllis thought out loud.

Dwight stood straight up at his desk before Michael could protest. "Who did this to you? I swear, I shall hunt them down, tie them to a roasting spit, and then-"

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Stanley

"Kiss-ass."

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Dwight

"I am a Volunteer Sherriff's Deputy for Lackawonna County. I will use my powers of law enforcement to apprehend the culprits responsible, and I shall kick their asses. (Pulls out an iron mace) After all, I did not get a Purple Belt in Karate for nothing. Nor did I purchase this authentic 14th century medieval mace for $200 on eBay just to admire it, even if it is pretty to look at." (The camera zooms to the window behind Dwight, showing Jacob and Jordan, the two authors writing this right now, standing in the office area, laughing and dangling Michael's car keys.)

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Michael

"I do not know who did it, but I will make sure that I get my car back, and then I can go find the rest of my Wicked Witch of the West costume." (Holds up a broom) "I'll get you, my pretties, and your little kitten, too." (Turns on a radio and the Witch of the West's music starts playing)

* * *

March 3rd

One day, completely out of nowhere, Dwight stood up and declared, "Announcement! May I have everyone's attention? Good."

Everyone looked up at him; even Michael poked his head out from his office door. "Yes, Dwight?"

He calmly walked over to Phyllis' desk, then stated, "I will now fight the big lady to the DEATH."

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Jim

(Sarcastically) "Oh, joy…"

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Pam

"This cannot end well."

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Stanley

"….Zzzz…" (Wakes up) "…Huh? (Notices camera) Oh, did something good happen?"

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Michael

"I cannot tolerate abuse toward the elderly. Nor can I tolerate fights to… well, now actually…"

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Phyllis

"I don't think he's told you this, but Michael and I actually graduated from the same high school class together. (Holds up a photo of two teens, a guy and girl, next to each other, both their heads circled) It's actually part of how I got this job."

* * *

"Uh…why?" asked Phyllis.

"The old are weak and dying." Dwight stated. "They need to be weeded out so that the young and strong may take control and better things up around the world. That is, until they themselves become old and decrepit, and the generation under them may take hold of the power, and so on and so forth, in a never-ending power struggle…" Dwight then traced his hand over his belt, therefore moving his jacket aside and showing a can of pepper spray in a holster on his side. "And that, Phyllis, is why you must DIE."

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Stanley

"I hope Phyllis kicks his ass. Personally, though, I think this is coming a bit late."

* * *

"Now, Dwight, you cannot kill Phyllis, it's illegal and besides, she is a valuable co-worker, even if she is getting on in age," Michael interrupted.

"We're the same age, Michael," Phyllis reminded him.

Dwight sneered at them both. "If it cannot be a fight to the death, then we shall battle till either first blood is drawn or one of us loses a limb…or is decapitated."

"That IS a fight to the death, ya jackass," Meredith snapped.

"The redhead's right, you know," Creed added.

"ENOUGH!" Dwight raised a hand for silence. "This battle shall be settled within the warehouse. Phyllis, choose your weapons-flash bang grenades and automatic rifles are prohibited, although incendiary grenades and flamethrowers are permissible-and meet me there at noon, lest you prove yourself a coward."

"I'm not fighting you, Dwight."

"You have no choice. Noon."

"No, Dwight."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"Yes. Wait-"

"Too late."

* * *

Warehouse

Dwight wielded a medieval claymore, with a crossbow strapped to his back and a buckler shield strapped to his arm (and two Sig Sauers taped to his shoes-plus a grenade in each pocket-not to mention a garrot wire fashioned as a necklace) as the warehouse employees set up a large wrestling mat in the middle of the room.

"Dwight, I cannot condone this," Michael protested. "This fight's not going to prove anything."

"Au contraire, my friend," Dwight replied. "This will be nothing more than a battle for the fittest, in which I will succeed." He then scanned the area, then checked his calculator wristwatch. "Ha! She's a no-show, just like I predicted!"

"Hey," Jim declared off-handedly, showing off his acting prowess, "I just noticed that Toby isn't here, either."

"Nah, nobody cares about him." Michael said with contempt. "In fact, it's better that the little troll isn't here."

"Wait!" Dwight suddenly got tense. "He's human resour-" The trapezoidal-craniumed worker cut himself off as he rushed up the stairs, various weapons making a commotion as he did so.

* * *

"… And there should be two more lances in the ceiling, a dart blow gun in the toilet, and a 'magic staff' in the broom closet." Phyllis finished off telling Toby where she remembered Dwight put his weapons, when said co-worker burst in.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing?"

"Confiscating your weapons," Toby said dryly. "They are a danger to yourself and everyone in the office."

"How DARE you!" Dwight's face was contorted with rage.

"Dwight, chill. It's not like we're going to be sieged."

Dwight pointed at him threateningly. "Hey, when 2012 comes…YOU'LL BE SORRY."

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Phyllis

"You don't need strong muscles to beat an opponent. All I had to do was outsmart him. That said, I was the reigning arm-wrestling champion back in high school, so there'd be no question on who'd win, really."

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Dwight

"One day, I shall have my revenge upon Phyllis, and everyone will see that-

* * *

Confessions / Conference Room: Stanley

"I was personally hoping she'd kick his ass."

* * *

Later…

"Really, Dwight? Three flash bang grenades under my desk?" "They were your Christmas present from last year, Michael."

"Oh. How…thoughtful, you twisted… twisted, little man."

* * *

(Both Jordan and Jacob are driving in Michael's car)

Jordan: We win!Jacob: Thanks for the second set of keys, Creed.

Creed: No problem kiddo.

Dwight: (Chasing the car on Michael's unicycle) I'LL GET YOU CRAZY KIDS! (Currently, he's wearing a fez and juggling quite a few bean bags. He stops and looks at the camera.) See, I'm better at this than Michael!

Jordan: FLOOR IT!Jacob: I AM FLOORING IT!" (The car zooms off with Dwight in pursuit.)


End file.
